First Ultra Sound!!

We did a quick little video just before we started our ultra sound. We are 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant at this point. We debated videoing the “reveal” and then decided to have Justin just enjoy the actual moment first, and then he would video the screen after for documentation to have for our memento later. Ultra sounds are pretty interesting and I’m never quite sure what we are looking for or at and what we want to see, vs. what is concerning to see. You would have thought I would have Googled all of that to have gone in more prepared. But, I just knew I wanted to see a baby in a dark area around it and a flicker of a heartbeat inside there. Lindsey, our tech was able to find the gestational sac and right away was zooming in for a closer look. She was able to tell us that she was only seeing one sac, which would mean that we would be looking for one baby and heartbeat typically inside that sac. (Though you can have 2 yolk sacs inside 1 gestational sac, which would be identical twins). 

She kept looking and zooming and trying different angles. As it turns out, she finally said that we should be seeing at least a baby at this point with how far along I am and asked if we’ve heard of a blighted ovum. I said I’d heard of it but didn’t really know what it was. Basically, she explained that it’s when you have a gestational sac but the developing baby inside never really develops like it should. So it’s a type of miscarriage where the gestational sac can sometimes keep growing, HCG numbers keep rising, but it won’t result in a successful pregnancy. She said there’s a chance it’s too early to see, but it also could be a blighted ovum. She said she would advise coming back in a week for another ultra sound to see if there were any changes.  I then asked her straight up if she thought we should see something by now and she said yes, especially with doing IVF where they know the dates more accurately, but said “stranger things have happened”, which we are familiar with those words. She apologized and left us alone for me to get dressed and recommended doing and HCG lab test hoping that may help shed some light. 

I don’t think Justin and I even knew how to react at that point. I was so set on seeing a heartbeat and just making sure that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby implants in the wrong area and can rarely continue). I wasn’t sure if I should be positive and just give it another week before freaking out or if I should be heartbroken and sad that it looked like this could be very bad news. I tried telling myself that maybe it really was just too early. I even told Justin that he was probably right and that we should have just waited until Monday to come for our first ultra sound. I think we were both a little bit numb and just not sure how to think and feel about what had just happened. We were so sure that everything had been going so well. I even started feeling more nauseous and tired and these last few days (right at the 6 week mark), more than usual and was sure that all was going well. 

Lindsey came back into to get us to take us for the blood draw, and had a compassionate look on her face and asked, “are you ok”? It was so sweet of her and I don’t even remember how I answered but think I said I was fine. She took us in the blood draw room to wait for the draw and again said before leaving us, “I’m sorry to keep asking, but are you sure you’re ok”. In hindsight, I think it may have been my blank and distressed look that made her ask, or was it because other women would be in tears by now and she wondered why I wasn’t. I’m not sure, but I did appreciate her genuine compassion and concern, as I realized how hard that job would be in times of being the one to deliver any potentially bad news. Internally, I think I was trying to keep it together so I could get in the car and privately breakdown. 

As the time passed, it sank in more and more that this really wasn’t good news and that it was heading in the direction of looking like a miscarriage, unless miraculously it changed by next week. We got in the car and Justin being a guy, said,” ok, so let me make sure I understand…” and went on to ask me for clarification on was this means and how bad of news is this really. This wasn’t quite the day I had hoped and planned to have and I really wasn’t sure how to respond. Faith, trust and miracles had gotten us to this point and I wasn’t sure if we just needed another miracle or if it was time to let go. That 75 minute drive home was one of the longest ever. We were mostly silent as we were each in our own thoughts, occasionally making conversation or asking questions, but we both knew it was upsetting news. I had managed to mostly keep it together and only got teary eyed but hadn’t broken down yet. We stopped at a store for Justin to run in for me (to get a yummy granola cereal) and while I was waiting in the car, my mom called, anxious to hear how our appointment went. Having to verbalize it, I finally started to cry. Still trying to be positive and hope for the best though, I told her I was anxious to hear from my AZ Dr. office on what their take was before I really stared to worry. 

The truth is that I didn’t want her to worry; I was already worried, but trying to keep it together at least a little. My mom is one of the MOST compassionate and kind hearted people you could ever meet. She truly feels the pains of her kids and would do anything for us. She immediately asked if I’d like her to come stay with us and she’d make us Thanksgiving and take care of us. What a sweetheart and I’m truly touched at her ability to drop everything for anyone, especially us kids. I appreciated the offer but assured her I’d be ok and that we already had company staying at our house for the weekend anyway (Justin’s brother Travis and his family) and they would be getting there that evening. I’m close with and love all my family, but I’m especially close with Jarica as she has been there for me through ALL my hard times the past 5 years especially and I would normally update her right away. I knew I was on the verge of a very ugly cry fest pity party though, so asked my mom to update her instead.

After about 30 minutes of driving home mostly in silence, I had been over analyzing it all and finally broke down. I felt that reality ad set in and that in being on the verge of miscarrying 4 other times before, this was an all too familiar place to be and I’d had enough. My hope was gone (or at least mostly) and I struggled to find the positive. I began to be angry with God asking how this could be happening. I had specifically asked Him to please not make me go through another miscarriage. I’d rather not get pregnant at all than go through another roller coaster ride of a miscarriage, which gives me false hope and excitement, and then it all comes crashing down as it’s taken away. I was doing a good job of feeling sorry for myself and honestly was mad that I felt God didn’t hold up his end of our bargain (not that He ever agreed to my bargain, but in my pity party mind He had or at least SHOULD have). One thing I absolutely love about my relationship with Justin is our ability to talk about any and everything and be raw with our emotions. Being able to express my feelings was so good for me and he was able to do the same. What more could we possibly be doing better to show Him and to serve Him we discussed. We both are ordinance workers in the Manti temple where we go once a week for 6+ hours, we volunteer and help with an addiction recovery support group weekly, I am the Young Women’s president in my ward helping girls aged 12-18 doing weekly activities, plus church, Justin is in the High Council and works so hard on activities and missionary assignments and we try hard to work on charity work too as our full time jobs. It didn’t seem FAIR. There are lots of unwed and drunk moms and dads out there who don’t even want to have their kids, and here we are desperately doing everything we can to try to have our own kids. 

Infertility is also such a taboo subject and so many people don’t understand it or know how to relate to someone going through this, no matter how much they may try. It’s just something that really can affect your life and be difficult to pep talk yourself through on such a regular basis. I start to doubt my own ability to be trusted as a mom, think of my body as broken and incapable of being able to do what a woman’s body is “supposed to do”, feel bad for Justin for having to go through this too when I’ve been through it for years before him even and feel bad for him now having to go through it with me (like I should have known better not to drag him into this too), and the list goes on. These are just a sample of the negative thoughts that go through our minds when we again get bad news and feel the rejection of not being able to be a mother. For us, this is our 1 shot at IVF. The costs financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually are sooo high and with my age on top of that and history of miscarriages, we felt it wasn’t something we could afford to keep pursuing. Putting all our eggs in one basket can be hard. Ironically Justin and I both are very optimistic and I think we handle our trails and challenges well and with faith and trust generally speaking. That was one of the things that I love most about Justin is that he can overcome any challenge with a smile on his face and make into something great. 

I’ve gone through my fair share of hard times too, and feel that it’s made me a better person and I have more faith and trust in God than I ever have before. Yet, in the middle of this trial, why did it all of a sudden seem so much harder than my other challenges? Maybe it’s partly because of how badly I want this, or maybe because I’ve been going through this struggle for so long that I’m exhausted and tired of it. After a few good solid hours of my pity party, it was time to be done. There weren’t any more tears to be shed and I knew that even though it’s good to let our emotions out, there also comes a time to be done and start moving forward again with faith, hope and trust. Justin reminded me that whenever we get good news, we would right away say a prayer to thank our Father in heaven for our blessings and for the good news. We should also be thanking him now for watching over us and for the blessing we have been given. (What a great husband and man he is)!  It was a great prayer and I think it helped us get out of our funk faster too. We were able to start getting back to ourselves and realizing that God have a better plan for us than we could ever have for ourselves and we just need to trust Him, no matter what the outcome. I can’t say we were excited or that all our concerns or worries went away, but we both felt at peace and knew it would all be ok. We felt comforted just enough to go on with our lives and not have it fully absorb us. 

Ironically (or not), we then got a call a couple hours later from our AZ Dr. office. She said that she’d reviewed the ultra sound with Dr. Craig and he wasn’t overly concerned, but wanted us to go back for another ultra sound in a week. The good news was that everything is where it’s supposed to be and there is a gestational sac and a yolk sac, which is good and shows early signs of growth and it may just be too early to see more. I felt the hope return to my heart and cried happy tears of gratitude and thanked her for the call. That wasn’t at all what I was expecting and I wondered if he really believed that, or if he just didn’t want to worry me. Either way, it helped me to continue to move forward and to have a little more hope (which can be good and bad). I’ve said before, but with this fertility battle this past year or so especially, I feel like I’m on a roller coaster ride and my tag line has become “please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times”. At this point, I’m not even sure if I should be updating my family and friends as to what’s going on since it’s already such a roller coaster ride to me and I feel bad to now be dragging others along for the ride. It does help to have support though and also the extra prayers. But going into Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for the love and support from so many people and for these hard experiences that draw us all closer together, and closer to God. I have a very soft and grateful heart right now!!

The next several days were really hard as I tried my best not to think too much about things and to be positive and my normal self, especially with family in town since you want to enjoy the time and each other. I’m grateful that Travis and Maggon having gone through this themselves, they understood and were great to talk to as well. It really helps when you can talk to others who know what this is like and have come through it too.

I felt that I was doing pretty well, all things considered, as I just tried to numb my emotions and make it through the day (sometimes that’s all you can do is take it a day at a time and just push through). Sunday, I had a woman who came up to me after and said that she understood I was battling with infertility and wanted me to know that she understood and had been there herself. She offered comfort, peace, and laughter about the funny and horrible things that people say not realizing the hurt it causes, but also offered hope that it gets better and God has a plan for each of us. I really needed to hear that and soo appreciated her taking the time to comfort me and to be so compassionate to my situation. It honestly was pretty out of the blue and I really don’t know this woman other than seeing her around church, so it was a tender mercy for me, and one I needed that day. Thank you “N” for taking the time to laugh and cry with me! And for letting me know that the pain and hurt never fully goes away, yet I personally feel that the reason for that is so that we can comfort and reach out to help others in need struggling similar to what we’ve been through. I could feel her love along with her pain which had gotten better and I knew her heart truly went out to me and my situation. I feel the same way when I talk with someone going through a divorce, or struggling with anything that I can remotely relate to. I think that’s a big part of why we have struggles, so we can overcome and learn from them, and then help others. I so love and appreciate when others are able to relate and help me through my hard times and I hope I’m able to help others with their struggles as well. 

Lindsey and I just before we started the ultra sound