Now what?

Because I've miscarried 4 times, am 37, have a harder time getting pregnant and did IVF, I'm high risk and need to be closely monitored. Part of this means that I have my blood drawn regularly, especially in the beginning of pregnancy to make sure the HCG # is doubling like it should every 48 hours. So we went back 2 days later to make sure our HCG levels were rising like they are supposed to mainly and to also check thyroid and progesterone levels. So Wednesday morning, we were back at the hospital for labs and again waited for the results. We expected them (HCG) to be doubled and weren't even worried really that it would be otherwise. We got our folded results again from the nurse and got into our car to open it right in the parking lot. 150.....that was our new HCG number. Oh man....I wasn't prepared for that number and felt like the wind had been taken from my sails. 

All the excitement, anticipation and happiness had been diminished as I wondered if this would mean yet another miscarriage. I know from past experience that when those numbers aren't where they should be, it usually means a miscarriage. Some people have low rising HCG and after my Google research, I found that it does happen and sometimes is fine, but typically wouldn't be good. My Dr office said they would like to recheck me Friday to look for a pattern, but said to pray and keep positive thoughts that the numbers would go way up on Friday. Asking if they have seen this before and then seen it go on to a healthy pregnancy, she responded saying in her many years she has seen crazy things happen so not to give up hope. She did say a pregnancy needs the HCG to at least rise 60% and we were right at about 50% but again, "stranger things have happened". 

To be honest, I lost a lot of hope that day and was depressed and really struggling to be positive. I went home and laid in bed all day so I was taking it easy and hoping for a different outcome and that it would make a difference. I cried a lot and was so sad at the thought of yet another miscarriage. I've been here too much before and it just felt familiar. I let my negative thoughts get away from me and was feeling like maybe my body just isn't meant to make babies or maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom. How often do we let Satan I to our thoughts when we go through one of life's hiccups? It's easy to go downhill fast when we let him take over and I was letting him take over. I was even starting to be upset with God for letting me get my hopes up and then for this to happen. I'm ashamed at how poorly I handled this situation and how quickly I'd gone to the worst case scenario instead of having hope and faith. 

That night I bawled my eyes out and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I begged him to let me continue with this pregnancy and talked to him like a best friend on all I was feeling. I suddenly realized that all this stress and negativity couldn't be good for a baby trying to grow, so I made myself stop crying and settled down. I know Heavenly Father helped me to calm down. Soon after I felt a peace and love and knew that regardless of the outcome, it would all be ok. I once again was able to put my faith and trust in God and knew that I wasn't in control and had to give it to Him. I knew He loved me very much and that whatever happened would be for the best, even if I didn't understand how, or agree. J  That night we rented and watched a movie (which is one of the things that I love to do if I need to be cheered up and escape reality for a little bit). It was called "Little Boy" and it's about the power of faith and believing. It was exactly what I/we needed that night and helped me to get back on track with my own faith and trust. Justin also reminded me and we revisited the story of Job from the bible and all that he had taken from him, which is far greater than anything we’ve ever had to go through and the fact that he remained faithful and trusting on God and thanked Him still for all his many blessings. He of course then had many more blessings brought back to him to more than make up for the sacrifice and hard times he’d gone through. It was a great reminder and I’m so grateful to a sweet husband who helps me get back on track and in a loving and patient way.