Miracle of Peace

Monday was an interesting day for me. I started out Googling misdiagnosed blighted ovum stories, looking for hope. I found several posts where most seem to have been correctly diagnosed and telling their stories, but there were also some who had been told they would be miscarrying and then went on to have healthy pregnancies. I felt like I was in the Dumb and Dumber movie “so you’re saying there’s a chance” came to mind and I was going to hold on those stories and hope for the best. There’s even a misdiagnosed miscarriage website and it said that they get several stories a month of incorrectly diagnosed blighted ovum s and that many of those tend to have a tilted uterus (which is what I have too). Sometimes that can make it harder to see in an ultra sound and for whatever reason sometimes things appear smaller because of this as well. Yay!! Maybe it really was just too early for them to see because of my tilted uterus and this week’s ultra sound would be better. J

I also made the mistake of calling to find out my HCG results from the previous Wed, since I never actually got this information that day, like I usually do. I had been in a good and pretty hopeful mood until I got the call back with my results. They said my HCG was 12,881. I hung up and quickly went to Google to see if this was “normal”. There’s a website where you type in the date and the HCG number and then the next date and HCG number and it tells you how many hours it takes for your number to double based on those two entries. So, it says that once your HCG is above 6,000 it can take up to 96 hours or more to double. Well, mine was doubling in 154 hours, which is waaaayyyy over 96 hours. Betabase.info is a great website by the way! 

Well, this started my downward spiral for me that day and I really went to a dark place that day and felt hopeless. I know from my own past experience that when my numbers doing go up like they should, or they go down, that has meant a miscarriage for me. And the thought of another miscarriage was soooo sad to me as I thought of the fact that “this was our one shot at this” so in my mind, this could mean that I wouldn’t ever experience things like feeling a baby grow inside my belly, or go for an ultra sound to find out the sex of the baby, or go through labor and the beautiful feeling after when you hold that new baby of yours in your arms. I cried a lot and also poured out my heart to God asking him to please help me to feel comforted and at peace again. My poor husband kept telling me, “hun I’m really worried about you.”  I would laugh and tell him that I was worried about me too. I have a whole new appreciation for people who struggle with depression or bipolar disorders as I had a taste of that myself this week and it was really frustration and hard for me to work through. 

I even talked with my mom who said she would like to come stay with me for a couple days starting on the day of the ultra sound, and either celebrate the good news with us, or be there for us if it wasn’t good news. I know how busy my parents are and for them to drop everything to come be with me means sooo much to me. Even if they didn’t come, I know they are always willing to be there for me no matter what. Talking to my mom always helps me as she is positive and optimistic, but also loving and realistic too when she needs to be. She had helped to get me a little more stable and hopeful. My sweet dog Mila is so sensitive and a sweetheart too, she did her best to come cuddle me, make me play with her and just do the funniest things to make me laugh at her. She is such a blessing to us through all our hard times.  Justin even took me to a movie that night that was supposed to be a comedy (turned out to be kind of a weird movie), but it did get my mind off of things for a while. I also have to admit that the past several days have been much harder for me to be motivated when it comes time to do my 2 shots. I’ve become more and more sore already and with not knowing if the shots are even going to make a difference, it’s been harder to motivate myself to endure them well. 

I had a really ugly sob type of cry for while that day and pleaded and prayed to my Father in Heaven to help me get through this, to give me comfort and peace and if possible, to allow me to continue with this pregnancy. I went to sleep that night still feeling concerned and unsure of what the future holds, but was doing better to try to still have hope and faith that it would all be ok. It wasn’t how I hoped I’d feel but it was better than earlier that day, and sometimes we just have to take it a day at a time and it’s an accomplishment to just get through the day. This was one of those days.

THE MIRACLE: That night something changed for me. I had gone to bed nervous about how I would get through one more day before we would be able to go for another ultra sound and know more what to expect. That night, I had a dream about going into labor and then having a tiny little baby girl. I was even figuring out things like how to nurse and just holding her, not wanting to let her go, and feeling such peace, love and joy from being her mom. I woke up a couple times in the night to use the bathroom and then went back to my dream, since it was such a good one and I wanted to keep those feelings. (I’m not usually able to return to dreams, especially when I want to). I woke up the next morning feeling such an intense feeling of peace and gratitude for being able to feel a small glimpse of what that motherly feeling might be like. It gave me so much hope and comfort that one day I’ll know what that feeling is like for real, whether through child birth or adoption. It was the most beautiful feeling of love and made me excited to feel that and know that it really will all be ok. I was so grateful to be able to pray to my Father in Heaven that morning and thank Him for the experience and that He answered my prayers in a way that only He could and that it was exactly the way I needed it answered. 

It made me so happy to know how much He really is mindful of us and helps us through our very darkest times, when we ask and let Him in. I had a renewed sense of hope and peace and knew I could handle just about anything. Justin later that day said that he hadn’t seen me be that happy in a long time. It felt really good and I couldn’t even worry about anything if I’d tried. What a gift and blessing that was for me, especially under the circumstances. I felt like I’d had an attitude overhaul done and I felt back to my normal (non hormonal) state of being back to my best self and knew that it was from Heavenly Father being there for me and helping me through. We still prayed like crazy for the outcome we wanted and went to a session at the temple, doing all we could to keep our peace and to pray like crazy. We went to sleep that night feeling at peace and just anxious for the next day, whatever was ahead.