Long awaited heartbeat?

The day had come, Wednesday, December 2, 2015 when we would go for our 2^nd ultra sound and find out if this pregnancy would continue or not. We knew that we would need to see a baby (fetal pole) AND a heartbeat at this point and the pressure was on. We once again had Lindsey helping us with our scan. Were were anxious, excited and also just wanting to get this over with so we would know what our future holds. 

The ultra sound began and we were holding our breath! As she was zooming in more and more and really trying hard to get a good view, there it was…still an empty space inside the gestational sac. The more she tried more angles and views, the clearer it became that there wasn’t anything to be seen. Justin and I both started to break down and cry as we realized the reality we were facing. She sweetly gave us some tissues and apologized, gave us hugs and told us to take out time in coming out and left us to ourselves. We finally managed to get ourselves together just enough to leave the building and get to our car where we would again break down and sob. With all the procedures, different strategies, shots, hormones, pills, crèmes, positive test results and the roller coaster of emotions, it all felt to be crashing down along with our future we had planned of having a new little baby join our family July 18^th, 2016. Those dreams vanished in a matter of minutes and our new reality was setting in. 

Those next few hours were hard and sad for us, and still continue to be. However, on our drive home a few hours later, we were both sitting in silence and I asked Justin how he was feeling. He answered that he was extremely sad and heartbroken, of course, but that he also felt a lot of hope somehow and was at peace. I was so happy to hear that as that is EXACTLY how I felt. We both knew it would all be ok and knew that our Father in Heaven had us in the palm of His hands and was helping us so much to get through the hardest thing I’ve probably had to go through. Yet, somehow this felt bearable, with His help. 

My mom is a sweetheart and drove to our house (over a 3 hour drive) to be there for us to help and serve however she could to ease our burden. She has been such a huge blessing, bringing all sort of remedies and aids, recipes, food, yummy chocolate cake, heating pads, facial stuff, nail stuff, and everything else you can think of to pamper and take care of me, and Justin. We both have such great families who were so sweet in their messages, flowers and doing all they could to comfort and help us through. It was great to feel the love and comfort my my sweet sister Jarica who is always good to cry with me and then help look at the positive and faith side again. She has a way of making me feel so loved and even offered to look into being an egg donor if it would help us start our family. (Of course I burst into tears at her even offering)! What a selfless offer and it made me love her all the more! 

I had a great call with my brother who said sometimes God wants us to be willing to sacrifice something that we really love and when we are willing to do that in order to have trust and faith in His will for us, it shows Him that we really do love Him more than anything else that we may think that we want. And His plans for us are always much better than our own anyway. He has a plan for us and timing that is important to that plan. I can look back on many times in my life, especially the last 4-5 years and see how when I let go and let God take over my life, it always goes much better than anything I could have ever planned out for myself. He also reminded me that when we truly sacrifice, that’s when we have the most peace, love and joy. That made so much sense to be and perfectly summed up how I was feeling. I still have bouts of sadness and sorrow that hit me out of nowhere, but overall, I really do feel such comfort and peace that outweighs my sorrow right now and makes it bearable. 

My sisters are so sweet and ordered some beautiful flowers for me and a sweet friend had flowers delivered too (I’m not even that close with her, but when she heard, she sent them and that meant so much to me). My sweet nieces drew the cutest and sweetest cards to cheer me up and let me know we were loved and melted my heart! I had a couple friends bring us dinner and our favorite comfort snacks (Dr. Pepper, Pepsi and chips and salsa), many others offering love and support with messages and offers to help. 

I work with the Young Women in our ward (girls aged 12-18) and absolutely love these girls and the other leaders who work with them. That night for our activity, we had been scheduled to make homemade hair bows and bow ties for newborn babies at the nearby hospital. With what we were going through I really didn’t feel like I could go and keep myself together as that would be a constant reminder of what I just was losing. I also didn’t want to break down and bawl like a baby the whole time in front of these girls. So, I didn’t make it. I felt bad and wanted to be there for the girls, but this was one time that I couldn’t do it. About 9:00 that night, there was a knock on the door. There was one of the leaders and 6 of these girls there on our porch saying ‘we love you” as I opened the door. Giving me bug hugs, handwritten notes they’d all written and a cute statue of a girl praying. It had such tears of joy and gratitude for those sweet girls and leaders and the big boost they gave me. They said, "we are all your daughters'! And they really ARE. I love those girls with all my heart and pray for them and love them like they are mine. I told them they need to take turns and nights coming to stay with us. It really was soo touching and sweet and meant the world to me. 

It’s amazing how kind acts of love from others can make the biggest difference. It really makes me want to do better about serving and loving others as I think I cried almost as much from those acts of love that day as I did in tears of sorrow. The reality is that we all have hard things we go through in life. This just happens to be our hard thing. They are personal for each of us and require so much energy, trust, faith and hope. Despair, sorrow, hopelessness is always there and we have to be sooo careful on which ones we give energy to and for how long. I’m a firm believer now that in the past few years and the many trials we have gone through (individually as well as since we’ve been married) that the more we try to see hard things as a blessing and gift somehow, the better and easier the trial becomes. 

Justin and look at how we handled out miscarriage last year and how we are handling it this year, and it really has been so much better. We are starting to get better at our trials even though this one really is even harder than last year. We’ve put so much more faith and trust in Heavenly Father this time and really have become so much more open to our ways maybe being different from His ways. 

We don’t know why this has happened and right now it doesn’t make sense yet. But, for the last month or so, I keep thinking about a video I saw by Elder Holland where he and his son were in a truck driving down a dirt road when they came to a fork in the road. They prayed and both felt like they should go right, so they did. Within a short distance, the road came to a dead end. So they turned around and then took the road to the left. His son confused, asked why they both felt good about going right when it wasn’t the correct way. Elder Holland answered (paraphrasing) that sometimes He lets us go down the wrong road knowing that it will cause us then to have confidence and full assurance that it was wrong and the other road is right. I have loved this and think of it often. I wonder if we maybe had to go this route with IVF, so that if it didn’t work, we could go another direction with more assurance and confidence that it was the right way. We are now strongly considering and hoping to go a new direction of adoption. We are excited and hopeful about that direction and we will see how that feels when we start down that road. Right now that feels right. So if anyone knows of a situation where someone may consider placing a baby for adoption, please let us know. We are so grateful for all of our family and friends and know the outpouring of love and prayers that have been said on our behalf. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts and know that they help us tremendously! 

Nervous look right before we started out 2nd ultra sound

Not what we wanted to see

My sweet mom who is always smiling and serves any chance she gets

Part of the dinner brought over by my sweet friends Angie and Misty

Yummy chocolate cake my mom brought, which always helps to cheer any girl up!

Beautiful flowers from my sisters. These are some of my very favorite flowers and smelled soooo good with the gardenias!! Love my sisters!!

Sweet flowers from Tara (my sister Jarica's sister in law who is such a thoughtful and sweet person)!

From my Young Women and leaders that made me cry!!

Also from the Young Women and a great permanent reminder to "pray always and be believing"!

The sweetest pictures from my niece Claire

Miracle of Peace

Monday was an interesting day for me. I started out Googling misdiagnosed blighted ovum stories, looking for hope. I found several posts where most seem to have been correctly diagnosed and telling their stories, but there were also some who had been told they would be miscarrying and then went on to have healthy pregnancies. I felt like I was in the Dumb and Dumber movie “so you’re saying there’s a chance” came to mind and I was going to hold on those stories and hope for the best. There’s even a misdiagnosed miscarriage website and it said that they get several stories a month of incorrectly diagnosed blighted ovum s and that many of those tend to have a tilted uterus (which is what I have too). Sometimes that can make it harder to see in an ultra sound and for whatever reason sometimes things appear smaller because of this as well. Yay!! Maybe it really was just too early for them to see because of my tilted uterus and this week’s ultra sound would be better. J

I also made the mistake of calling to find out my HCG results from the previous Wed, since I never actually got this information that day, like I usually do. I had been in a good and pretty hopeful mood until I got the call back with my results. They said my HCG was 12,881. I hung up and quickly went to Google to see if this was “normal”. There’s a website where you type in the date and the HCG number and then the next date and HCG number and it tells you how many hours it takes for your number to double based on those two entries. So, it says that once your HCG is above 6,000 it can take up to 96 hours or more to double. Well, mine was doubling in 154 hours, which is waaaayyyy over 96 hours. Betabase.info is a great website by the way! 

Well, this started my downward spiral for me that day and I really went to a dark place that day and felt hopeless. I know from my own past experience that when my numbers doing go up like they should, or they go down, that has meant a miscarriage for me. And the thought of another miscarriage was soooo sad to me as I thought of the fact that “this was our one shot at this” so in my mind, this could mean that I wouldn’t ever experience things like feeling a baby grow inside my belly, or go for an ultra sound to find out the sex of the baby, or go through labor and the beautiful feeling after when you hold that new baby of yours in your arms. I cried a lot and also poured out my heart to God asking him to please help me to feel comforted and at peace again. My poor husband kept telling me, “hun I’m really worried about you.”  I would laugh and tell him that I was worried about me too. I have a whole new appreciation for people who struggle with depression or bipolar disorders as I had a taste of that myself this week and it was really frustration and hard for me to work through. 

I even talked with my mom who said she would like to come stay with me for a couple days starting on the day of the ultra sound, and either celebrate the good news with us, or be there for us if it wasn’t good news. I know how busy my parents are and for them to drop everything to come be with me means sooo much to me. Even if they didn’t come, I know they are always willing to be there for me no matter what. Talking to my mom always helps me as she is positive and optimistic, but also loving and realistic too when she needs to be. She had helped to get me a little more stable and hopeful. My sweet dog Mila is so sensitive and a sweetheart too, she did her best to come cuddle me, make me play with her and just do the funniest things to make me laugh at her. She is such a blessing to us through all our hard times.  Justin even took me to a movie that night that was supposed to be a comedy (turned out to be kind of a weird movie), but it did get my mind off of things for a while. I also have to admit that the past several days have been much harder for me to be motivated when it comes time to do my 2 shots. I’ve become more and more sore already and with not knowing if the shots are even going to make a difference, it’s been harder to motivate myself to endure them well. 

I had a really ugly sob type of cry for while that day and pleaded and prayed to my Father in Heaven to help me get through this, to give me comfort and peace and if possible, to allow me to continue with this pregnancy. I went to sleep that night still feeling concerned and unsure of what the future holds, but was doing better to try to still have hope and faith that it would all be ok. It wasn’t how I hoped I’d feel but it was better than earlier that day, and sometimes we just have to take it a day at a time and it’s an accomplishment to just get through the day. This was one of those days.

THE MIRACLE: That night something changed for me. I had gone to bed nervous about how I would get through one more day before we would be able to go for another ultra sound and know more what to expect. That night, I had a dream about going into labor and then having a tiny little baby girl. I was even figuring out things like how to nurse and just holding her, not wanting to let her go, and feeling such peace, love and joy from being her mom. I woke up a couple times in the night to use the bathroom and then went back to my dream, since it was such a good one and I wanted to keep those feelings. (I’m not usually able to return to dreams, especially when I want to). I woke up the next morning feeling such an intense feeling of peace and gratitude for being able to feel a small glimpse of what that motherly feeling might be like. It gave me so much hope and comfort that one day I’ll know what that feeling is like for real, whether through child birth or adoption. It was the most beautiful feeling of love and made me excited to feel that and know that it really will all be ok. I was so grateful to be able to pray to my Father in Heaven that morning and thank Him for the experience and that He answered my prayers in a way that only He could and that it was exactly the way I needed it answered. 

It made me so happy to know how much He really is mindful of us and helps us through our very darkest times, when we ask and let Him in. I had a renewed sense of hope and peace and knew I could handle just about anything. Justin later that day said that he hadn’t seen me be that happy in a long time. It felt really good and I couldn’t even worry about anything if I’d tried. What a gift and blessing that was for me, especially under the circumstances. I felt like I’d had an attitude overhaul done and I felt back to my normal (non hormonal) state of being back to my best self and knew that it was from Heavenly Father being there for me and helping me through. We still prayed like crazy for the outcome we wanted and went to a session at the temple, doing all we could to keep our peace and to pray like crazy. We went to sleep that night feeling at peace and just anxious for the next day, whatever was ahead.

First Ultra Sound!!

We did a quick little video just before we started our ultra sound. We are 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant at this point. We debated videoing the “reveal” and then decided to have Justin just enjoy the actual moment first, and then he would video the screen after for documentation to have for our memento later. Ultra sounds are pretty interesting and I’m never quite sure what we are looking for or at and what we want to see, vs. what is concerning to see. You would have thought I would have Googled all of that to have gone in more prepared. But, I just knew I wanted to see a baby in a dark area around it and a flicker of a heartbeat inside there. Lindsey, our tech was able to find the gestational sac and right away was zooming in for a closer look. She was able to tell us that she was only seeing one sac, which would mean that we would be looking for one baby and heartbeat typically inside that sac. (Though you can have 2 yolk sacs inside 1 gestational sac, which would be identical twins). 

She kept looking and zooming and trying different angles. As it turns out, she finally said that we should be seeing at least a baby at this point with how far along I am and asked if we’ve heard of a blighted ovum. I said I’d heard of it but didn’t really know what it was. Basically, she explained that it’s when you have a gestational sac but the developing baby inside never really develops like it should. So it’s a type of miscarriage where the gestational sac can sometimes keep growing, HCG numbers keep rising, but it won’t result in a successful pregnancy. She said there’s a chance it’s too early to see, but it also could be a blighted ovum. She said she would advise coming back in a week for another ultra sound to see if there were any changes.  I then asked her straight up if she thought we should see something by now and she said yes, especially with doing IVF where they know the dates more accurately, but said “stranger things have happened”, which we are familiar with those words. She apologized and left us alone for me to get dressed and recommended doing and HCG lab test hoping that may help shed some light. 

I don’t think Justin and I even knew how to react at that point. I was so set on seeing a heartbeat and just making sure that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby implants in the wrong area and can rarely continue). I wasn’t sure if I should be positive and just give it another week before freaking out or if I should be heartbroken and sad that it looked like this could be very bad news. I tried telling myself that maybe it really was just too early. I even told Justin that he was probably right and that we should have just waited until Monday to come for our first ultra sound. I think we were both a little bit numb and just not sure how to think and feel about what had just happened. We were so sure that everything had been going so well. I even started feeling more nauseous and tired and these last few days (right at the 6 week mark), more than usual and was sure that all was going well. 

Lindsey came back into to get us to take us for the blood draw, and had a compassionate look on her face and asked, “are you ok”? It was so sweet of her and I don’t even remember how I answered but think I said I was fine. She took us in the blood draw room to wait for the draw and again said before leaving us, “I’m sorry to keep asking, but are you sure you’re ok”. In hindsight, I think it may have been my blank and distressed look that made her ask, or was it because other women would be in tears by now and she wondered why I wasn’t. I’m not sure, but I did appreciate her genuine compassion and concern, as I realized how hard that job would be in times of being the one to deliver any potentially bad news. Internally, I think I was trying to keep it together so I could get in the car and privately breakdown. 

As the time passed, it sank in more and more that this really wasn’t good news and that it was heading in the direction of looking like a miscarriage, unless miraculously it changed by next week. We got in the car and Justin being a guy, said,” ok, so let me make sure I understand…” and went on to ask me for clarification on was this means and how bad of news is this really. This wasn’t quite the day I had hoped and planned to have and I really wasn’t sure how to respond. Faith, trust and miracles had gotten us to this point and I wasn’t sure if we just needed another miracle or if it was time to let go. That 75 minute drive home was one of the longest ever. We were mostly silent as we were each in our own thoughts, occasionally making conversation or asking questions, but we both knew it was upsetting news. I had managed to mostly keep it together and only got teary eyed but hadn’t broken down yet. We stopped at a store for Justin to run in for me (to get a yummy granola cereal) and while I was waiting in the car, my mom called, anxious to hear how our appointment went. Having to verbalize it, I finally started to cry. Still trying to be positive and hope for the best though, I told her I was anxious to hear from my AZ Dr. office on what their take was before I really stared to worry. 

The truth is that I didn’t want her to worry; I was already worried, but trying to keep it together at least a little. My mom is one of the MOST compassionate and kind hearted people you could ever meet. She truly feels the pains of her kids and would do anything for us. She immediately asked if I’d like her to come stay with us and she’d make us Thanksgiving and take care of us. What a sweetheart and I’m truly touched at her ability to drop everything for anyone, especially us kids. I appreciated the offer but assured her I’d be ok and that we already had company staying at our house for the weekend anyway (Justin’s brother Travis and his family) and they would be getting there that evening. I’m close with and love all my family, but I’m especially close with Jarica as she has been there for me through ALL my hard times the past 5 years especially and I would normally update her right away. I knew I was on the verge of a very ugly cry fest pity party though, so asked my mom to update her instead.

After about 30 minutes of driving home mostly in silence, I had been over analyzing it all and finally broke down. I felt that reality ad set in and that in being on the verge of miscarrying 4 other times before, this was an all too familiar place to be and I’d had enough. My hope was gone (or at least mostly) and I struggled to find the positive. I began to be angry with God asking how this could be happening. I had specifically asked Him to please not make me go through another miscarriage. I’d rather not get pregnant at all than go through another roller coaster ride of a miscarriage, which gives me false hope and excitement, and then it all comes crashing down as it’s taken away. I was doing a good job of feeling sorry for myself and honestly was mad that I felt God didn’t hold up his end of our bargain (not that He ever agreed to my bargain, but in my pity party mind He had or at least SHOULD have). One thing I absolutely love about my relationship with Justin is our ability to talk about any and everything and be raw with our emotions. Being able to express my feelings was so good for me and he was able to do the same. What more could we possibly be doing better to show Him and to serve Him we discussed. We both are ordinance workers in the Manti temple where we go once a week for 6+ hours, we volunteer and help with an addiction recovery support group weekly, I am the Young Women’s president in my ward helping girls aged 12-18 doing weekly activities, plus church, Justin is in the High Council and works so hard on activities and missionary assignments and we try hard to work on charity work too as our full time jobs. It didn’t seem FAIR. There are lots of unwed and drunk moms and dads out there who don’t even want to have their kids, and here we are desperately doing everything we can to try to have our own kids. 

Infertility is also such a taboo subject and so many people don’t understand it or know how to relate to someone going through this, no matter how much they may try. It’s just something that really can affect your life and be difficult to pep talk yourself through on such a regular basis. I start to doubt my own ability to be trusted as a mom, think of my body as broken and incapable of being able to do what a woman’s body is “supposed to do”, feel bad for Justin for having to go through this too when I’ve been through it for years before him even and feel bad for him now having to go through it with me (like I should have known better not to drag him into this too), and the list goes on. These are just a sample of the negative thoughts that go through our minds when we again get bad news and feel the rejection of not being able to be a mother. For us, this is our 1 shot at IVF. The costs financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually are sooo high and with my age on top of that and history of miscarriages, we felt it wasn’t something we could afford to keep pursuing. Putting all our eggs in one basket can be hard. Ironically Justin and I both are very optimistic and I think we handle our trails and challenges well and with faith and trust generally speaking. That was one of the things that I love most about Justin is that he can overcome any challenge with a smile on his face and make into something great. 

I’ve gone through my fair share of hard times too, and feel that it’s made me a better person and I have more faith and trust in God than I ever have before. Yet, in the middle of this trial, why did it all of a sudden seem so much harder than my other challenges? Maybe it’s partly because of how badly I want this, or maybe because I’ve been going through this struggle for so long that I’m exhausted and tired of it. After a few good solid hours of my pity party, it was time to be done. There weren’t any more tears to be shed and I knew that even though it’s good to let our emotions out, there also comes a time to be done and start moving forward again with faith, hope and trust. Justin reminded me that whenever we get good news, we would right away say a prayer to thank our Father in heaven for our blessings and for the good news. We should also be thanking him now for watching over us and for the blessing we have been given. (What a great husband and man he is)!  It was a great prayer and I think it helped us get out of our funk faster too. We were able to start getting back to ourselves and realizing that God have a better plan for us than we could ever have for ourselves and we just need to trust Him, no matter what the outcome. I can’t say we were excited or that all our concerns or worries went away, but we both felt at peace and knew it would all be ok. We felt comforted just enough to go on with our lives and not have it fully absorb us. 

Ironically (or not), we then got a call a couple hours later from our AZ Dr. office. She said that she’d reviewed the ultra sound with Dr. Craig and he wasn’t overly concerned, but wanted us to go back for another ultra sound in a week. The good news was that everything is where it’s supposed to be and there is a gestational sac and a yolk sac, which is good and shows early signs of growth and it may just be too early to see more. I felt the hope return to my heart and cried happy tears of gratitude and thanked her for the call. That wasn’t at all what I was expecting and I wondered if he really believed that, or if he just didn’t want to worry me. Either way, it helped me to continue to move forward and to have a little more hope (which can be good and bad). I’ve said before, but with this fertility battle this past year or so especially, I feel like I’m on a roller coaster ride and my tag line has become “please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times”. At this point, I’m not even sure if I should be updating my family and friends as to what’s going on since it’s already such a roller coaster ride to me and I feel bad to now be dragging others along for the ride. It does help to have support though and also the extra prayers. But going into Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for the love and support from so many people and for these hard experiences that draw us all closer together, and closer to God. I have a very soft and grateful heart right now!!

The next several days were really hard as I tried my best not to think too much about things and to be positive and my normal self, especially with family in town since you want to enjoy the time and each other. I’m grateful that Travis and Maggon having gone through this themselves, they understood and were great to talk to as well. It really helps when you can talk to others who know what this is like and have come through it too.

I felt that I was doing pretty well, all things considered, as I just tried to numb my emotions and make it through the day (sometimes that’s all you can do is take it a day at a time and just push through). Sunday, I had a woman who came up to me after and said that she understood I was battling with infertility and wanted me to know that she understood and had been there herself. She offered comfort, peace, and laughter about the funny and horrible things that people say not realizing the hurt it causes, but also offered hope that it gets better and God has a plan for each of us. I really needed to hear that and soo appreciated her taking the time to comfort me and to be so compassionate to my situation. It honestly was pretty out of the blue and I really don’t know this woman other than seeing her around church, so it was a tender mercy for me, and one I needed that day. Thank you “N” for taking the time to laugh and cry with me! And for letting me know that the pain and hurt never fully goes away, yet I personally feel that the reason for that is so that we can comfort and reach out to help others in need struggling similar to what we’ve been through. I could feel her love along with her pain which had gotten better and I knew her heart truly went out to me and my situation. I feel the same way when I talk with someone going through a divorce, or struggling with anything that I can remotely relate to. I think that’s a big part of why we have struggles, so we can overcome and learn from them, and then help others. I so love and appreciate when others are able to relate and help me through my hard times and I hope I’m able to help others with their struggles as well. 

Lindsey and I just before we started the ultra sound

Our last HGC test??

With our last HCG numbers still looking good, we got to go 6 days before our next HCG test, yay! So, the following Monday, November 23^rd, we again prayed, fasted and drove to the Mount Pleasant Hospital for our routine HCG labs. We had such good luck last time when we pulled off the side of the road for the result, so we went to our same “spot” and pulled over for the results. At this point, it’s hard to say what our HCG numbers should be since they start to slow down on how often they double once they go above 1200 and above 6000, but I knew we should at least be about 8,000 and 10,000-12,000 would be even better. Well, we again opened the paper and saw 10,252!! We were thrilled, but honestly I was still a little nervous to celebrate since I wanted to wait to see what the Dr. said about those numbers first. After all, my feeling like we should be above 8,000 or 10-12,000 was based on my Google searches, which I have spent hours researching and looking for what is normal and not, and what to expect so I didn’t have to wait for my Dr. office to call me and also so I’d be able to get the news faster. My Dr. office has much more hands on experience and I wanted to get their take. 

A few hours later, I got the good news that they were really happy with our “significant rise and were less concerned with doubling now, but more a significant rise”. Phew!!! What a relief again and NOW we could properly celebrate!! Now that our numbers were still looking good, it was time to next go for our first ultra sound. Our schedule said to try for Thursday, and with that being Thanksgiving, they said to try for Friday. Well, the office where I’ve done my appointments and love them (Utah Fertility Center in Pleasant Grove) wasn’t open Thurs or Friday but could do Wednesday. So we excitedly scheduled it. After all, from my Google research, you are usually able to see a fetal pole (start of the baby growing) and heartbeat once your HCG numbers are above 6,000. (And Google is never wrong, right)?! From my research and even asking the Dr. office, lots of times you can see a heartbeat at 6-7 weeks and I would be 6 weeks and 3 days at that point. My AZ Dr. office did warn me when I told them about my appointment that if we didn’t happen to see a heartbeat, not to be too worried because it really could be a little early and that every day makes a difference at that stage. We could not see a heartbeat one day and see one the next. I was glad she prepared me for that possibility, but I still really thought we would see a heartbeat (since my HCG was well above 6,000).  

Justin and I discussed it the day before the ultra sound on whether we should wait longer or take our chances of going a little early. He suggested maybe we just wait until Monday so that we would be more likely to see a heartbeat. I told him about my Google research and told him I really thought we had a good chance of seeing a heartbeat and that I didn’t think I could stand it to wait until Monday. I was too excited!! He agreed and we kept the appointment for Wednesday. Besides, how nice would it be to see your baby’s first heartbeat right before Thanksgiving?! It would give us one more thing to be thankful for and to celebrate. 

Those who know me well know that I Google EVERYTHING!! LOL

Justin just before we looked at the results. We are pulled over on the side of the road. 

10,252!!!

Will it double?

After our last HCG being higher again and doubling like it should, the Dr. wanted us to go back for labs again in 4 days. What a long 4 days that was as we continued to be grateful and hopeful, but still were nervous about our numbers rising like they need. Thankfully we had a fundraiser event in New York and that helped to pass time and be a great distraction. There was a family (the Meyfort family) whose son, Kyle, we had helped with new hearing aids a couple years earlier. This family is amazing and decided they wanted to do a fundraiser to give back and help more kids who need hearing aids as their way of paying it forward. It was such a great event and with the funds raised, we should be able to help 4-5 kids in the New York area with new aids, thanks to this family. What a great thing to be part of on helping others and it's been so rewarding to see someone we have helped then have such a passion in helping more people. It was a great trip and even though I wasn't able to help much and tried to take it easy as much as I could, I still felt part of it all.

On Friday when we arrived in New York, we saw the news on the hotel TV saying there had been several terrorist attacks in Paris and that 100+ people had died and many more injured. It was such a sad and terrifying day for us all as we saw Paris in mourning, fear and panic. Our hearts went out to them and brought back our own feelings of what it was like for us after our 9/11 terrorist attacks in New York. With us being in New York and all security measures being increased and on heightened alert (especially in New York), it was a little nerve racking to be in New York. These attacks didn't seem to be at high security areas necessarily, but just at busy places, which is really hard to protect against. We also knew the airport would be extra crazy to leave from on Sunday when we went home. Thankfully it wasn’t an issue for us, and we were glad to still be enjoying the freedoms that come from living in the U.S. Many aren’t as lucky.

Our next lab test for our HCG numbers was on Tuesday Nov. 17^th.  After a lot more prayers and Justin fasting that morning again, we once again went to the hospital about 15 miles away, drew the blood and waited for the results. They know us pretty well by now and don’t really even have to ask if we will be waiting for the results, whoever draws the blood just verifies that we will be waiting right? They even know to bring them out folded over and that we leave with them that way. This time instead of opening them right away in the car, we started to drive home, thinking we would look at the results there. But, our anxiety (ok, MY anxiety) would let me wait, so we decided to pull off the side of the road and look at the results. From my math, we needed our number to be at least a 1640. So, here we go again… we opened the paper and there it was…1881!! Wow!! We were soooo excited and yelling and jumping up and down in the car, hugging and crying once gain. I’m sure any cars passing would have wondered what in the world was happening in that car on the side of the road. LOL!!! It was such a relief to know that they were doubling like they should and that we were back on track. Of course our Dr. was happy with the results too and asked us to go back again the following Monday (6 days later) for another HCG test. I was so happy to not have to be monitored so closely that we could go 6 days now instead of 2 or 4. Yay! Less needles for me always makes me happy!! But I'm also totally happy to keep doing injections and labs since it means I'm still pregnant and worth any sacrifice and pain! :-) 

P.S. As a side note, we have 2 injections each night; Progesterone which has to go into my top outer part of my bum muscle and is a long 1 1/2" needle, and a Lovenox injection, which is a subcutaneous shot that I do in my thighs or stomach. Of all of the different shots I've had to have in the past 3-4 months, these are my least favorite. I REALLY REALLY hate them both and for different reasons. 

The Progesterone is in oil (started that one several days before my transfer on Oct. 24th) so it's thicker so is more painful for me, but mostly because my poor bum is sooooo sore from the needles, but also the muscles, so I am in pain whether I'm sitting, standing or especially laying down. I'm tender to the touch and going to the bathroom, where I take my pants up and down is especially painful and almost makes me cry sometimes. I have to admit it makes me laugh too as it's so ridiculous and I don't have a choice so may as well laugh about it. But I look like an old person and it takes me minutes to get in and our of the car too. Progesterone injection tip: I'll admit that this one has literally been a pain in my bum!! I've tried so many different people's suggestions to make this one better as some people don't seem to really even have pain with this and others are like me and really do. After weeks of this one, the best tip I have is to use a small rice heating thing (not sure what they are called, but a homemade heating pad with rice inside that you heat up in the microwave). I would first poke around on the side we were doing the shot on (even days are the left side and odd are the right so I'd remember). I'd find the LEAST sensitive spot and use my finger nail to scratch a small circle, many times and hard. Then put the heating rice thing on there for about 2 minutes. Use and alcohol wipe and that would illuminate the red circle mark I'd scratched, giving my hubby the exact spot to inject. (We tried pens to mark it, but then got ink all over when we did the alcohol wipe). A nurse friend showed us that we could go up on the injection at a 45-80 degree angle (because she said I didn't have as much fat to go through, which way nice to know, LOL) but then we also injected REALLY slow, like over about 3-5 minutes. This tends to make me a little bit less sore since the muscle can better get used to the oil going into the muscle. I then put the rice heating thing back on for about 30-60 min, but also tried to walk around and move the muscle around more to get the oil in there and hopefully have it clump up less and cause less scar tissue. (I also HAD to watch TV or listen to music during the injection to distract me). 

The Lovenox shot (started that one a few days after my transfer on Oct. 31st) is such an awful burning as the liquid is injected, so that one is so painful. This also causes some pretty bad looking bruises. I did this in my stomach to begin with, but I started having panic attacks (which is VERY new to me) during the shot, so I asked my Dr. and was told I could also do it in my thighs, so I've switched. Lovenox injection tip: I tried so many different tips that I'd spent hours looking up online, and here's what has worked best for me. The upper thighs were best for me. Use an ice pack (really solid type and not the ones with little beadletts - TRUST ME it makes a difference) on the site for 3-5 minutes beforehand and you wont' feel the needle go in, the horrible burning of the inject or the minutes afterward where it keeps burning, since you'll still be a little numb. I've also noticed a HUGE difference in the brand. My FAVORITE is Sandoz...less bruising and the air bubbles were much easier to get out and burning was less (if I didn't ice enough). 

So those are my shot tips for anyone else who may want to use them. I really think I tried every tip online. :-) 

Jill, Rosemary (who started this in NJ), Debbie (who did this year's fundraiser), Justin and I before the fundraiser event in NY!

Debbie, Kurt and Kyle Mefort; Laura (the little girl who is being helped with new hearing aids from this fundraiser), Justin and I at the fundraiser event. 

Sweet Debbie got a limo donated to give us a ride to the airport! I don't know if I've ever really even been driven in a limo before. :-)

Thank you Debbie!!

A small sampling of the fun bruising from the Lovenox injections and these are pretty good looking.

Sandoz is my favorite brand of Lovenox! 

This picture doesn't show it well, but when I get my injections, my hands literally drip with seat after. Gross, but true. :-)

Praying for a miracle

The next day was one of the longest days ever. It's amazing how slow time can pass when we are anxiously wanting it to go quickly. Today we would find out if our HCG numbers were high enough and if our pregnancy would continue or not.  I consciously worked on being more positive and having more faith. It wasn't easy and I still struggled to dare hope, but I tried. I did meditation, read scriptures, listened to motivational religious talks that have helped me before and I made myself put one foot in front of the other and said I only had to get through this day, tomorrow would be another day. That night we went to a support group that we lead for addiction recovery. The people there are great and working hard to overcome their constant struggles and we have so much love and respect for them. We felt so inspired and uplifted there and it really helped me to focus on others and not my own struggle as much. Afterward, I visited for a while with a good friend who needed extra encouragement and advice. That conversation probably helped me even more than her as I realized the tender mercy for me to help someone else, which helped me even more. I'm always happiest when I'm helping others so it was a gift to be able to help someone that night and get beyond my own trial. I'm so grateful to my friend who was there for me that night. 

I didn't sleep well that night knowing we would get up at 5:00a to head up north 2 hours for my blood draw, then we were flying to NY at 9 that morning for a fundraiser event. This time we didn't have time to wait for the results, so would have to wait until we got to NY to find out later that afternoon. Justin fasted that day and I poured my heart out most of the 2 hour ride up pleading for Heavenly Father to provide a miracle, but willing to accept His will for us and just asked that He help us through it either way. I was back to having peace in my heart for whatever outcome and knew it was in His hands. It was a long flight to NY and we wanted to wait until we got to our hotel room to learn the results. Since, I have the ability to look up the results online (which is a blessing AND a curse) so we said another prayer and got comfortable as we looked up the results online. 

We needed a 300 or higher for our HCG. We said another prayer and looked up the results. It was so nerve racking and I think Justin and I were both prepared for bad news, yet hoping and praying to see 300 or higher. We settled in and got comfortable and looked up the website. As the page slowly loaded, there it was...our latest HGC results...410!!!!! 410!!!! We couldn't believe it!!! We thought we were emotional and excited Monday when we found out we were pregnant, but this time was so much higher on our emotions!!! Wow! We more than doubled and we were back on track! We immediately recognized the miracle and blessing that had just occurred as I really believe I was in the process of miscarrying and that through prayer, fasting (our own as well as so many family and friends) and Heavenly Father's love and mercy that we were able to continue on and get back on track with the pregnancy. We were both in tears and on cloud 9, with shock and gratitude. Right away we knelt in prayer to thank our Father for the blessing and miracle that had just taken place. We once again became firm believers in miracles, blessings, fasting and prayers. We spent the rest of the night with permanent smiles and updating family and friends who were also bracing themselves for the news. I wonder if Heavenly Father is wanting to remind us that he can give, and also take away (like with Job) and that this pregnancy we need to be extra close to Him as we continue on with this miracle. Making sure we are earnestly praying, fasting and pouring out our hearts to him as we await each result and monitoring appointment along the way. 

Now what?

Because I've miscarried 4 times, am 37, have a harder time getting pregnant and did IVF, I'm high risk and need to be closely monitored. Part of this means that I have my blood drawn regularly, especially in the beginning of pregnancy to make sure the HCG # is doubling like it should every 48 hours. So we went back 2 days later to make sure our HCG levels were rising like they are supposed to mainly and to also check thyroid and progesterone levels. So Wednesday morning, we were back at the hospital for labs and again waited for the results. We expected them (HCG) to be doubled and weren't even worried really that it would be otherwise. We got our folded results again from the nurse and got into our car to open it right in the parking lot. 150.....that was our new HCG number. Oh man....I wasn't prepared for that number and felt like the wind had been taken from my sails. 

All the excitement, anticipation and happiness had been diminished as I wondered if this would mean yet another miscarriage. I know from past experience that when those numbers aren't where they should be, it usually means a miscarriage. Some people have low rising HCG and after my Google research, I found that it does happen and sometimes is fine, but typically wouldn't be good. My Dr office said they would like to recheck me Friday to look for a pattern, but said to pray and keep positive thoughts that the numbers would go way up on Friday. Asking if they have seen this before and then seen it go on to a healthy pregnancy, she responded saying in her many years she has seen crazy things happen so not to give up hope. She did say a pregnancy needs the HCG to at least rise 60% and we were right at about 50% but again, "stranger things have happened". 

To be honest, I lost a lot of hope that day and was depressed and really struggling to be positive. I went home and laid in bed all day so I was taking it easy and hoping for a different outcome and that it would make a difference. I cried a lot and was so sad at the thought of yet another miscarriage. I've been here too much before and it just felt familiar. I let my negative thoughts get away from me and was feeling like maybe my body just isn't meant to make babies or maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom. How often do we let Satan I to our thoughts when we go through one of life's hiccups? It's easy to go downhill fast when we let him take over and I was letting him take over. I was even starting to be upset with God for letting me get my hopes up and then for this to happen. I'm ashamed at how poorly I handled this situation and how quickly I'd gone to the worst case scenario instead of having hope and faith. 

That night I bawled my eyes out and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I begged him to let me continue with this pregnancy and talked to him like a best friend on all I was feeling. I suddenly realized that all this stress and negativity couldn't be good for a baby trying to grow, so I made myself stop crying and settled down. I know Heavenly Father helped me to calm down. Soon after I felt a peace and love and knew that regardless of the outcome, it would all be ok. I once again was able to put my faith and trust in God and knew that I wasn't in control and had to give it to Him. I knew He loved me very much and that whatever happened would be for the best, even if I didn't understand how, or agree. J  That night we rented and watched a movie (which is one of the things that I love to do if I need to be cheered up and escape reality for a little bit). It was called "Little Boy" and it's about the power of faith and believing. It was exactly what I/we needed that night and helped me to get back on track with my own faith and trust. Justin also reminded me and we revisited the story of Job from the bible and all that he had taken from him, which is far greater than anything we’ve ever had to go through and the fact that he remained faithful and trusting on God and thanked Him still for all his many blessings. He of course then had many more blessings brought back to him to more than make up for the sacrifice and hard times he’d gone through. It was a great reminder and I’m so grateful to a sweet husband who helps me get back on track and in a loving and patient way.